The Official Arcane Fuckability Scale
being a Complete and Accurate Ranking of the Relative Fuckability of Characters from Netflix's Arcane, Lowest to Highest
Let's get this out of the way first: this list is purely a matter of personal opinion, and your personal rankings might be different. However, if you disagree with them, you are objectively wrong to do so and I will think less of you for it. Also, potential spoilers ahead.
D Tier: Not Fuckable
Silco: I want to be clear that Silco's absolute bottom position on this scale isn't a matter of personal appearance (I find Silco moderately physically attractive), nor is it because he's evil. Evil people can be hot, and being evil is by no means a disqualification from the highest tiers of this list. However, his specific form of evil is supremely repellent. He is a strong villain, but you just know that he's a terrible lover. Silco's idea of a hot date is reading you some poetry he's written, then making you ask questions about it so he can explain the themes and imagery to you. Silco thinks "clitoris" is some sort of incurable lung disease. Don't fuck Silco.
Heimerdinger: I don't think Heimerdinger fucks. I think he could if he wanted to; LoL canon is frustratingly unclear on how yordles reproduce, but there's that yordle sex worker in Zaun in that one episode, and, in principle, anatomy is no match for ingenuity. But I think Heimerdinger tried sex a couple of times, didn't like it much, and went back to science. Don't fuck Heimerdinger. Hug Heimerdinger. How could you not? He's so fluffy!
Marcus: He's a father, which would theoretically qualify him for DILF status if he had any other memorable qualities at all besides being a corrupt cop. And I know it's Piltovan fashion, but dude, you gotta reconsider those sideburns. Don't fuck Marcus.
Jinx: The canonical ages of Arcane's characters are a little unclear, but Jinx is apparently younger than Ekko, and Ekko is only around 19-20 post-timeskip. I'm going to leave her here. Don't fuck Jinx. (Even Jinx's presumably-older incarnation in the games isn't particularly attractive; she screams "engineered mascot character" too much to have genuine appeal.)
C Tier: Somewhat Fuckable
Jayce: I'll be honest, Jayce would be higher if not for that stupid "y" in the middle of his name. The amnesiac asshole from Magic: the Gathering does just fine without it. Really. The other thing holding Jayce down in C tier is that he's attractive, but I think he's just a bit too conscious of that fact. He knows he's blandly hot and has a big dick and doesn't really have to try very hard as a result, and that impacts his appeal. Fucking Jayce would be good, but you'd constantly be aware that it could be a little better if he put his back into it, and that would make it seem worse by comparison. Fuck Jayce if you're confident enough to tell him to do better.
Finn: Dangerous concentrations of fuckboy energy coalesce around Finn. He does that thing I don't really understand where he wears a coat like it's a cape, not putting his arms through the sleeves. I guess he's trying to split the difference between having a cool coat and showing off his body? Doesn't really play. Unlike fellow style disaster Marcus, though, Finn makes it into the fuckable tiers by virtue of being cybernetic. Cyborgs are just hotter than the unaugmented. Sorry, but it's true. Fuck Finn if you're okay with having sex to some of the worst music ever composed.
B Tier: Comfortably Fuckable
Caitlyn: Caitlyn is clearly fond of a bit of rough, if she and Vi are anything to go by. She would start out trying to top, but be hilariously, almost deliberately bad at it, in an effort to goad you into flipping the tables on her and putting her in her place like the stuck-up little rich girl she is. A little one-note, but not unfun. (Her penchant for knee socks is also definitely not lost on me.) Fuck Caitlyn if constructing elaborate prison break scenarios is your idea of foreplay.
Mel: Mel is capable of fucking someone without manipulating them, but she has to try quite hard to avoid it. Filthy mouth, likes ruining outfits, knows all sorts of depraved high society sex moves she's never actually tried; if she does, it's probably a 50/50 chance of an out-of-body experience or the actual worst sex of your life. Not the worst odds, honestly; even if you lose, the only way is up from there. Fuck Mel if you have flexible morals and an open mind to things going on and/or in you.
Ekko: Sleeping with activists can be a bit of a gamble. The old cliche about politically-minded types making shitty boyfriends exists for a reason, but I think Ekko's just about on the right side of that trend. Your biggest obstacle is likely to be him agonising over the ethics of fucking you (which is also why he hasn't fucked any of the other Firelights). If you can convince him that it is, in fact, not merely acceptable, but a good idea to have sex with you, the payoff is an inexhaustible, highly creative lover. Fuck Ekko if you're willing to spend as long negotiating sex as actually doing it.
Sevika: what that robot arm do? (eyes emoji) Fuck Sevika if you can get her to hand you the emergency stop button.
A Tier: Highly Fuckable
Vi: Strong. Driven. Pink hair. There is a lot to like here. For some reason, I get the sense that Vi's brash, flirtatious bluster would dissolve completely if anyone ever called her on it. She's still a top, but the moment things get hot and heavy she's slinking away to the bathroom and frantically looking up "how to kiss girl?" on her phone. In this respect, she's kind of a reverse Jayce. She tries her ass off, and the results are stellar. Fuck Vi if you want to be railed mercilessly and asked "is this okay?" every third stroke or so.
Vander: Look at him. Really look at him. Look into his eyes, see the pain, the stress, the anxiety. Vander is a man who just needs to forget the world for a while, and you can help. He may seem to have faded with age, no longer the strong, proud bull he used to be, but the bull's still in there - he just needs a little help bringing it back out. He'll start out warning you that he might need a little while to get hard, and end up waking you at three in the morning for another round as months of repressed urges roar into life. Fuck Vander if you like a project and are willing to put the work in. Oh, and if the theory that Vander becomes Warwick is accurate, he goes up a tier, no questions asked.
Ambessa: Remember when I said being evil didn't disqualify you from a high ranking? I was almost entirely talking about Ambessa Medarda. She is unquestionably a predator, but in the fun, primal way, an unstoppable hunter who uses her body, both physically and psychologically, like a fucking sledgehammer. Yeah, yeah, war criminal, Noxus bad, I can't hear you, I'm rewatching that bathing scene again with the volume up high. Mmm. Fuck Ambessa if fear is an aphrodisiac to you, or if you think you can stand up to her (you're wrong, but failing might be fun).
S Tier: Awooga Awooga Steam From The Ears
Viktor: Okay. Look. Listen. Before I go on, you need to understand that I am not normal about Viktor. He is - as I believe the cool kids are saying - my blorbo. He has the same haunted, tortured-genius, small-S submissive vibes as, like, 50% of the characters Ben Whishaw has played, but he supplements it with two of the hottest expansion packs possible for such a character: personal tragedy, and being a morally questionable scientist. Oh, mercy.
Viktor deserves to have his strange new body appreciated, up close and personal. And, despite the things he used to imagine Jayce doing to him, he's pretty sexually naive. Wouldn't it be fun to introduce him to the wonders of the flesh? To find out what pleasures his newly augmented form is capable of? He's a man of science. He'll understand.
That said, don't fuck Viktor. I'm fucking Viktor. Wait your turn.
***
