Shivani's Journal
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Days -3 - 0
17th June
T+1 days since initial treatment
I know full well how long this could all take, but I'll confess to being a little disappointed when I didn't wake up nine feet tall with razor-sharp claws and skin of burnished bronze. No, apparently the first features of this exciting new form are full-body aches and a low fever. Dr Lombardo confirmed over Anansi that this was all expected, and my breakfast today, more porridge, came with an ibuprofen chaser.
I didn't have much of an appetite, but I finished the lot anyway, and it sat heavy in my stomach - between that and the muscle pain, I was more or less immobile this morning. I understand why I have to eat so much. The stabilised Gygax morph, it's projected, will need about twice as much food as a baseline human, with a focus on lots of protein and iron; for now, though, I just need as many calories as possible, raw materials for the changes to come.
I actually fell asleep for a while after that. Strange dreams, blurry, feverish. I remember fire on my bare skin, burning without hurting, and great reptilian beasts entwining with me, rough, indistinct.
I woke up in a sweaty tangle of sheets. Thank goodness we get fresh ones every few days.
Gwen messaged me. Of all the volunteers, she seemed the most nervous - a tiny, wide-eyed thing, right on the edge of the minimum body mass the morph demands. She's had some soreness in her breasts, and wanted to know if I'd had anything similar; I haven't, but then mine are quite different from hers, fuller, rounder. Besides, even stable morphs vary in their effects. Nothing to worry about.
***
18th June
T+2 days since initial treatment
The IR thermometer put me at 39 degrees when I woke up this morning, same as yesterday, but I don't feel the heat as much. My forehead is still warm to the touch and I can still feel that faintly elevated core temperature throbbing away at the base of my skull, but I don't feel feverish. It's good to be able to focus a little more, and get started on the thumb drive full of audiobooks I brought. I tried yesterday, but I couldn't think straight for more than a few minutes at a stretch. So that's an improvement.
The aches, on the other hand, can fuck right off. Every time I change positions in bed or get up for the bathroom, every muscle fibre from my neck to my calves cries out in protest. So, more painkillers, and more lying in place, emitting the occasional groan. Hardly the glamorous transhuman rapture I'd been dreaming of, but the first few days with any morph are usually rocky. I'm just impatient.
And apparently I'm not the only one. I made the mistake of bringing up my prior studies to the other volunteers a few days ago, and Nathan seems to have latched onto me as the resident morph expert, despite the two actual scientists right next to me in his contact list. No, Nathan, I don't know when your skin's going to start changing. And no, it's probably still not safe to put a candle to your hand. Does he even have a science background? From what he's said so far, I think he might have volunteered out of boredom.
Still, is that really a better reason than mine? Yes, I'm curious, on a pretty deep, technical level, and eager to experience what I've been studying first-hand, but why me and not someone who'd find more use in the final morph? Or who really needs the money? Granted, I'm not exactly rich, but Elias is supporting sick family members back home in Germany - should I have stepped aside for someone who needed it more?
I started writing this entry just as my dinner came in - some kind of thick potato soup, lightly spiced but still pretty bland. I thought I'd have a mouthful here and there and finish the rest later this evening, wolf it down before bed, but I just looked down at my bowl and it's all gone. And I could probably go for another bowl. Maybe my appetite is finally catching up with my body's hunger for sustenance.
***
19th June
T+3 days since initial treatment
When I was getting dressed this morning, I noticed my yoga pants feeling tighter than usual around the calves. Not uncomfortably so, but a marked difference. And, given that the aches are subsiding and standing feels a bit less daunting, I thought I'd try measuring myself - the wall next to my desk has a ruler helpfully painted on it. No growth projected until the second week, but hey, maybe I'd notice an extra few millimetres.
I noticed a lot more than that. At the final medical, Dr Callaghan recorded my height at 165cm. At 11:25am today, exactly 72 hours after the injection, I am just about touching 170. I checked it twice more, and it wasn't until the third time that I felt sure - and a little thrill of excitement shivered through me. The morph is at work on me, breaking and reshaping my body. I'm changing.
And, I thought briefly, it explains why I've been typoing so much more than normal. My fingertips are just a little further out than I'm used to.
I think I must have caused quite a disturbance when I messaged Dr Lombardo about it - apparently they've sent a postgrad aide down to Pamplona to find some bigger clothes for everyone. We're meant to transition from our own clothes (I've arranged for mine to be given to charity shops) to progressively larger scrubs as our bodies expand, but it wasn't meant to start so soon.
Dinner is soon. I can't wait. I know it'll be more bland, ballasty food, but I'm starving.
***
20th June
T+4 days since initial treatment
Pablo the intern brought me a whole rotisserie chicken for lunch today.
I'm not a vegetarian (sorry Mum), but I don't eat much meat. I can go a week without it and not really notice. But. Well. I think that might have changed.
I don't think it was just looking at it, because it wasn't until I took the plastic cover off the plate that I started to feel... different. It was the scent. It has to have been. Granted, I haven't smelled much in the last few days except for conditioned air and my own sweat, but that scent seemed to get right into my brain. The moment I was thinking about it, I couldn't think about anything else.
I think I tried the fork first. It's hard to keep things straight. But I remember that as soon as the first bite hit my tongue, I was gone. I forgot everything that didn't help me get that heat and scent and sustenance into my body. I tore it apart with my bare hands, ripped off great thick strands with my teeth, gnawed at bones, wolfed down every mouthful and couldn't quell the urge for more. Only when the carcass was bare - and it was completely bare, I'd stripped away every scrap - did my breathing slow down. And I took a look at myself, and the plate.
My hands were clean, albeit a bit sticky. I must have licked off every trace of flavour. The plate was just a scattering of loose bones. I didn't even feel full. If Pablo had offered me seconds, or dessert, I'd have said yes before he could finish speaking.
And he was still there, staring at me, awed, a little horrified. I asked him how long he'd been there - surely he couldn't have stood there unnoticed for the half-hour or so it had taken me to devour the bird.
He told me it had been seven minutes.
***
21st June
T+5 days since initial treatment
I have been desperately, furiously hungry since the moment I woke up. I suppose it's good to know that my metabolism's in appropriately high gear, but I have eaten enough to feed pre-morph Shivani for three or four days, and my stomach still gnaws at the edge of my perception, not quite sated. Honestly, today was one long battle to keep my mind off that, in between devouring the huge platters Intern Pablo brought me. (He stares at the floor, like he's afraid to meet my eyes. I think he's still a little shaken from the chicken display yesterday. Sorry, Intern Pablo!)
Elias helped, a lot. We finished our chess game (1-0 to me - I'm hardly a pro, but ten years of chess club have stuck around in my head) and started another, and, between moves, we talked. He shrugged off the hunger as just a bump in the road, but it must be hitting him too. He was a full head taller than me when I met him last week, so he likely has more body to feed.
He's been painting, which is more creative energy than I can even think of having at the moment. He can't share pictures - no photography allowed in here, of course - but he showed me a few of his older works. Dramatic lines, harsh colours. I think this is expressionism? GCSE Art was a long time ago.
kumari.s: did you ever sell any of these? I think you'd find buyers
kumari.s: I'd buy one
ziegler.e: I tried
ziegler.e: Not much interest
ziegler.e: But I'm kind of glad honestly
kumari.s: how so?
ziegler.e: I paint for me
ziegler.e: It's good not to have to worry about what people want
kumari.s: still, if you're painting anything in here...
kumari.s: "Art from the Gygax Project"
kumari.s: that could be a collector's item!
ziegler.e: xD Maybe
ziegler.e: If I can ever get my brushstrokes right
The coordination issues have gotten to him, too.
I tried some other distractions. Half-watched a few episodes of Primeval - objectively a very stupid show, but good for turning my brain off. Burned through a dozen pages of sudoku. (I'm actually finishing them a little faster than my usual pace.) I even got my vibrator out for the first time since I arrived, but I couldn't get into the right headspace; everything just felt a little off. I expect it'll be like this for a while.
Also, my temperature's still climbing, and, when I let go of the wand, my fingers had melted little dents into the handle. That's probably not good for the motor.
***
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